Longer term projects

Today will mark the beginnng of longer term projects that I need to be aware of and manage. Kitchen remodel, IEP preparation, Holiday logistics. Then there are the micro projects- bike maintenance, body maintenance, lesson planning, dishes, etc. As always, these comprise the 10000 things that swril around in my life and in my awareness. How much mental time and space do I want them to take up? Like as a percentage of my total capacity? Little. How much will they take up? Much. I want to expand my consciousness to be tapped into the vast unknown, that can hold all I have to do and think about, but also hold room or space for so much other awareness that in the overall analysis, these is peace, which means what? Nothing to think about? Nothing to do? No emergency? No work? The ability to sit back and be happy? Not sure what it is, but being able to be calm amidst Chaotic micro projects would be a nice way to go about each day.

When I think of “getting back to the grind”, I realize that each step of things I need to do seems to rush at me very quickly, but if I can stay above it all in my awareness, it becomes just a tiny little movement of things I am aware of that do not become a threat to me. There is no push notification, no haptic interruption, no bell and schedule. But even if there are these things, I can be aware of them with love and acknowledge their existence. Or I can be aware of them and ignore them. My response would be based on what I am attuned to on the inside, what I am cognitively aware of through the filter of my body’s senses. How does one start to become Unbothered? The current buzzwords seem to be “regulating your nervous system”. That’s the body part. Creating an environment that supports the ability to mentally get away from the 10,000 things when needed. Or better yet, to cultivate the ability to get away from them, at least in perception. That’s what I’m visualizing, a circle, a container that can hold in it every thing, but also be so big that it seems empty. It holds all matter, including all the things that do not matter.

This container is my head. My perception. What I am aware of. How far removed I can be from being attached to things that matter. It’s no matter. That doesn’t matter. I react to things that don’t matter. Jumping at the thought of ghostlike entities, that seem like they are there, coming to get me, but really they are just little dust devils of insignificant matter swirling around near me because of wind, caused by temperature differences caused by the proximity of the matter to the sun. The movement potentially stirs something within me, all my sense transducers tell me something is there, but whether or not to respond to it comes from many factors, one of which is- intensity of the movement, which can seem falsely amplified by my own internal state- it seems like something that I should urgently attend to! Or, it’s been so low level intensity, over such a long period of time that I have been able to easily ignore it, but now it’s become something I really should not ignore. Why should I not ignore it any longer? Because I will get paid money to address it. Or, I see the value in addressing it so I can continue to adjust my environment to support my ability to calmly exist.

It’s too hard to think now, my crazy orange cat is running around the house looking like he’s being chased by ghosts. He is hyper sensitive and aware of something, or he’s just bored and needs to play more. I need to play more. Can I just look at all the things I have to do as playing? Can I do hard, uncomfortable work playfully? When you’re a kid, playing, are things ever hard? Challenging, but just to that point that you are motivated to continue, and not turn away even though you have a certain level of frustration? That’s where I want to be. Playfully Responsible. Not abandoning my self and what I know to be right by way of my heart and mind, but expanding my perception and skills, my understanding and wisdom through my relationship to the vastness that is and is not. And we call it knowledge and change, and life itself.