Routines
I always wonder why the only way I am able to keep a routine is by force. Routine: 5 am wake up, make coffee, clean kitchen, make lunch, play with cats, take shower, change a couple times, leave by 6:30. I eat protein- and fiber-filled snacks and meals all day then come home and talk with Tim and Audrey and then watch a show and go to bed. It's healthy and stable. Without that schedule I still wake up at five but then usually go back to sleep, only to lay around until like 10 unless I am trying to get to a grocery store early as crowds are overwhelming and almost debilitating. I resent the schedule but then once I have the choice to set a new one I immediately give up since I don't "have" to do it. Not as much an issue during a break of five days, but during the summer it is worse. I end up packing a lunch some summer mornings just to make sure I eat the way I need to, even though I'm not going to work.
This particular break feels like I am experiencing a days-long hangover, so I'm being extra gentle with myself in terms of rest, routines, and calm. The routine has generally been wake up, eat, go back to sleep, wake up, eat again, play with my cats, watch tv, take a nap, give Audrey rides places, clean the house and on one ambitious morning I went to Costco at 9. Yesterday I went on a walk in the afternoon which helped my mood 100000%. I've been so depleted that the littlest thing makes me want to explode. It's like I'm a delicate flower being brought home from the store on the back of a motorcycle. But I am feeling better this morning, day four of break.
This same sort of work exhaustion happened last year in the Spring and I couldn't figure out why I was snapping at everyone and crying every day, so I went to my therapist of 17 years, Karen. She reminded me that my coping strategy is to work harder and ignore my body and mind, until they force me to stop. A lifetime of perfecting the art of disassociation means that I am so good at it that I slip into it without noticing. I have a Masters' degree in CMSD and an honorary PhD in disassociation. A lifelong learner. I started this year with her reminders in the back of my mind but somewhere along the line I started over working myself again and am now paying the price. I guess that means time to be gentle with myself and give myself reminders that I have value even when I'm not being productive. I don't need to earn love by working the hardest.
As always, there's Florence lyrics to match my exact feelings:
So I don't have to be worthy/I no longer try to be good/it didn't keep me safe/like you told me that it would
Also
All alone/even when I was a child/I've always known/there is something to be frightened of/and I can see it coming from the edge of the room/smiling in the streetlight/even with my eyes shut tight/I still see it coming now
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